Nihao!

Nihao!

So I am in Chinese 101.
Coolest class ever.

I am terrible at it, but I love it.

I know it's exactly where I need to be and it is where I am going to stay.
I am going to learn Chinese,
cause it's something that will help me in the long run.

So I think there is something wrong with me this semester.

Last semester I had at least one date,
every,
single
weekend!

In the last 6 weeks,

I have had 4.

Lameo!

What is with that?
I mean, I'm not giving the annoying guys a chance anymore,
I am being a little more picky.

But I can't seem to get anything anymore.

haha I know. It's super shallow.
But I worry.
It's BYU.
Marriage is constantly thrown in our faces, whether we like it or not.

It doesn't help that I live by myself,
and I hang out with all girls.

Though the hanging out is super fun.

We went to the ice castles in Midway,
which is where those pictures were taken.

It was fun!

I miss boys,
but.... I
will survive!

Because God is good,

he as given me so many blessings,
and not dating is not a big deal.

I love my life because it is my life,
and no one elses'.
I have been truely blessed with amazing friends, family and learning experiences.
I am glad I am where I am.
There is so much to learn.
I'm excited.

You are amazing.
Did you know that?
God is aware of you, who you are and what you are doing.

He is amazing!

Did you know I can see a giant crane outside my window?
It is really fun to watch in the mornings,
Mornings are my favorite

Anyway,
enough about being random.

Wo hen mang!

More randomness later.

Long time

Wow. It's been awhile since I've posted.

Lots has happened.

Good, bad, fun, awesome.

Different.

It's been an awesome 6 months. But things have really changed.
I didn't get into BYU's Photo program. Best thing that ever happened to me.

It has led me to think about transferring to another school,
out of state!

YAY! It's going to be interesting.

I am in the processes of applying to two different schools.

Ohio University

&

Western Kentucky University

Very far away.
But both are really good photojournalism schools.

I am leaning towards Ohio.

Lots is going on.

I'll keep you updated.

Life is good.

God is great.

For me.

Ha ha I have done nothing but tried to please people. Going out of my way to not offend or hurt feelings, which resulted in me giving up a lot of my opinions and desires. But I am finally doing things for myself, because I want to, I need to. And Daaanggg it feels good. For those of you I pissed off, hurt your feelings, or whatever, I am sorry you think your opinion matters that much in my life.

I posted that on Facebook. But not the last line.

I know it would have pissed some people off more.

And I decided to be nice.

I can be independent without being mean.

Holy crap.

The lighting and thunder is amazing

It's been going on all day.

Man I love it.


Anyway the reason I posted this.
I am selling my contract for the fall.
The only reason I moved in is because Sam kind of just made me sign up with her.
And me being me, and being too stupid to say no.
I signed up with her.

Bad Idea.

As summer has gone on that girl has gotten more on my nerves
I felt like I had to give up everything in my schedule just to hang out with her.

She always wanted to do something RIGHT after work,
when I am hungry, tired, grumpy...

Not wanting to be around people.

But I could never say no.

I was worried I might hurt her feelings or something stupid.

So I finally went out and put my contract up for sale.
It might not sell.

And Sam is mad.

But I don't really care.
I don't want to live there, not with her.

I want to start fresh.
And that was not the way to do it.

We will see what happens

New Blog

I was thinking about starting a new blog.
This blog can be for my thoughts.
The new one can just be photographs.
Hmm..

Not that anyone really reads my blog.

Ha

I spent the whole day doing nothing of real worth.
I could have edited my pictures but I didn't.

I need to get on that.

I have been looking for a cheap violin.

I will get one soon.

Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in.

Photoshoot!

So I finally went out took pictures.

Finally!
I have been able to start taking pictures again.
It's like a wall broke down.

All these ideas that have been flooding my brain are finally going to come out.

Out into the world

To show people how I see and feel.

I am so very excited.

I have finally made friends that are willing to help me with my crazy ideas.

I love it.

I am so weird.


So these pictures are mostly of myself

I have never actually done this before.

I feel like it is so self centered.

But I am finding it is a good way to experiment.

So... Don't make fun.

I am weird

ha ha but I love it.

I also finally burned and ruined my ex's letters and pictures.

It was so much FUN!

I loved it.

It was liberating and freeing.

I have been letting him go

Letting time take him away

Washing my hands of him

Don't come back.

I am a new person

So much more confident and happy.

My exboyfriends in hell

BURN BABY BURN!!!

The world is beautiful!

And I am ready to embrace it.

Bring it on!

Pushing.

I don't know what it is.

I just seem to always scare people away.

I make friends, and grow really close to people.
I have no problem putting myself out there and having fun.

People love doing things with me.
I can be the life of the party.

But once someone really gets to know me


They leave.

I don't know why.

What is it about me that pushes people away?
Am I too over bearing?

Too clingy?
Too distant?
Rude?
Weird?
Hard to be around?

What is it?

Why does everyone close to me leave?

The one person who stuck around
was one of the
biggest liars
I know.
The one who hurt me the most.

Maybe I have too high of expectations


Maybe I am not pushing people away.

I just think I am.

I don't understand.

Is there something wrong with me?

What do I do?

God help me understand.

I know you love me.
I could be the worst person in the world and you would still love me.

But what do I do that makes people not like me?
How do I change?

How do I show who I really am,

without being afraid of getting hurt?

What do I do?

Maybe I should just not try to meet people.

I should just live my life alone.

But there is no fun in that.

I don't think I could ever do it.

So I guess I will just have to keep trying.

Someday I will fit in.

Or not.

Who knows?

:)