Wow

For the past two years I have had one person that I always turned to.

If ever I was struggling he was always there, able to help.

Even when I had major fears and doubts about certain things,
in the long run he was able to help.

But now...

He's not.

He is out serving the Lord,
being busy,
enjoying himself.

It's good thing.

I'm happy and excited for him.

It's going to be an amazing experience.




But...


I'm not out doing things.

I was left behind.

I feel so alone,

so angry that he could do this to me.

Make me fall in love with him

and

then

just leave.

It hurts.

I've realized that he has been my crutch.

I haven't had to face my fears,

my issues

my dissatifaction with life for the past two years.

He has always been there for me.

If ever I struggled he helped me face those issues.

Now I have to face them on my own.
It's SO hard.
I've been struggling.

It's only been three days.
It'll probably get harder.

This sucks so bad.

But today I realized something.

I'm never satisfied with anything.
When he was here and with me I still wasn't satisfied.
When I'm in class I want to be out of class, doing homework.
When I'm doing homework I want to be watching a movie.
When I'm watching a movie I want to be in class.
When I'm with him I want to be doing things.
When I'm not with him I want to be with him.
I want longer letters,
better grades,
something to do always,
time to relax,
always wanting something different from what I have.

I know it doesn't make a lot of sense. It's something I'm trying my hardest to figure out.
I don't know if I ever will.
But I am going to try.
I am just going to try to be happy with what I'm doing.
Happy with what I have.
Just be happy.

I'm going to try.

I don't have my crutch any more.

I have to try to walk on my own.

Little baby steps.

Of course the Lord is there,
helping,
he always is.

I need to depend on the Lord when I struggle.

With his help I'll take those baby steps,

until one day,

I'll be able to run.