Pushing.

I don't know what it is.

I just seem to always scare people away.

I make friends, and grow really close to people.
I have no problem putting myself out there and having fun.

People love doing things with me.
I can be the life of the party.

But once someone really gets to know me


They leave.

I don't know why.

What is it about me that pushes people away?
Am I too over bearing?

Too clingy?
Too distant?
Rude?
Weird?
Hard to be around?

What is it?

Why does everyone close to me leave?

The one person who stuck around
was one of the
biggest liars
I know.
The one who hurt me the most.

Maybe I have too high of expectations


Maybe I am not pushing people away.

I just think I am.

I don't understand.

Is there something wrong with me?

What do I do?

God help me understand.

I know you love me.
I could be the worst person in the world and you would still love me.

But what do I do that makes people not like me?
How do I change?

How do I show who I really am,

without being afraid of getting hurt?

What do I do?

Maybe I should just not try to meet people.

I should just live my life alone.

But there is no fun in that.

I don't think I could ever do it.

So I guess I will just have to keep trying.

Someday I will fit in.

Or not.

Who knows?

:)

Ha?

So much has happened in the last month.

So so much.

I met so many people.

Made so many changes.

I am a new person, a different person.
I love how much I have changed.

I worry sometimes,
wondering if I fit into this world.

If I will ever be able to establish myself into a group of friends,
or if I will just float and be my own group.

It is ok to just float.
I like it.
I feel so individual and so free.

It is so nice to have friends,
to be surrounded by people.
To listen to conversations,
take part in conversations,
or be the main subject of a conversation.

It is also nice to just be alone.

To just be surrounded by the universe,

by nature,

by sounds and lights of the world,

by God's love.

To be in the world, but not of it for a while.

It is nice to know that despite my troubles,

my problems,

my imperfections I am still loved by so many.


So many people have come out the last few months to show their love for me.
I never realized I was that important.
That people think about me, and care about how I am doing.

I never really thought that I mattered that much to anyone.
I always believed that I had to fight to be in someone's thoughts.
I now know I don't.
And that is an amazing feeling.

It's been an interesting month.
So much has happened.
I have so much hope for the future.

I never want to lose that hope.

I am happy.

I am full of love.

God is great.

This world is amazing.

I hope I can do my best to help contribute to this amazing world.