For me.

Ha ha I have done nothing but tried to please people. Going out of my way to not offend or hurt feelings, which resulted in me giving up a lot of my opinions and desires. But I am finally doing things for myself, because I want to, I need to. And Daaanggg it feels good. For those of you I pissed off, hurt your feelings, or whatever, I am sorry you think your opinion matters that much in my life.

I posted that on Facebook. But not the last line.

I know it would have pissed some people off more.

And I decided to be nice.

I can be independent without being mean.

Holy crap.

The lighting and thunder is amazing

It's been going on all day.

Man I love it.


Anyway the reason I posted this.
I am selling my contract for the fall.
The only reason I moved in is because Sam kind of just made me sign up with her.
And me being me, and being too stupid to say no.
I signed up with her.

Bad Idea.

As summer has gone on that girl has gotten more on my nerves
I felt like I had to give up everything in my schedule just to hang out with her.

She always wanted to do something RIGHT after work,
when I am hungry, tired, grumpy...

Not wanting to be around people.

But I could never say no.

I was worried I might hurt her feelings or something stupid.

So I finally went out and put my contract up for sale.
It might not sell.

And Sam is mad.

But I don't really care.
I don't want to live there, not with her.

I want to start fresh.
And that was not the way to do it.

We will see what happens

New Blog

I was thinking about starting a new blog.
This blog can be for my thoughts.
The new one can just be photographs.
Hmm..

Not that anyone really reads my blog.

Ha

I spent the whole day doing nothing of real worth.
I could have edited my pictures but I didn't.

I need to get on that.

I have been looking for a cheap violin.

I will get one soon.

Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in.

Photoshoot!

So I finally went out took pictures.

Finally!
I have been able to start taking pictures again.
It's like a wall broke down.

All these ideas that have been flooding my brain are finally going to come out.

Out into the world

To show people how I see and feel.

I am so very excited.

I have finally made friends that are willing to help me with my crazy ideas.

I love it.

I am so weird.


So these pictures are mostly of myself

I have never actually done this before.

I feel like it is so self centered.

But I am finding it is a good way to experiment.

So... Don't make fun.

I am weird

ha ha but I love it.

I also finally burned and ruined my ex's letters and pictures.

It was so much FUN!

I loved it.

It was liberating and freeing.

I have been letting him go

Letting time take him away

Washing my hands of him

Don't come back.

I am a new person

So much more confident and happy.

My exboyfriends in hell

BURN BABY BURN!!!

The world is beautiful!

And I am ready to embrace it.

Bring it on!

Pushing.

I don't know what it is.

I just seem to always scare people away.

I make friends, and grow really close to people.
I have no problem putting myself out there and having fun.

People love doing things with me.
I can be the life of the party.

But once someone really gets to know me


They leave.

I don't know why.

What is it about me that pushes people away?
Am I too over bearing?

Too clingy?
Too distant?
Rude?
Weird?
Hard to be around?

What is it?

Why does everyone close to me leave?

The one person who stuck around
was one of the
biggest liars
I know.
The one who hurt me the most.

Maybe I have too high of expectations


Maybe I am not pushing people away.

I just think I am.

I don't understand.

Is there something wrong with me?

What do I do?

God help me understand.

I know you love me.
I could be the worst person in the world and you would still love me.

But what do I do that makes people not like me?
How do I change?

How do I show who I really am,

without being afraid of getting hurt?

What do I do?

Maybe I should just not try to meet people.

I should just live my life alone.

But there is no fun in that.

I don't think I could ever do it.

So I guess I will just have to keep trying.

Someday I will fit in.

Or not.

Who knows?

:)

Ha?

So much has happened in the last month.

So so much.

I met so many people.

Made so many changes.

I am a new person, a different person.
I love how much I have changed.

I worry sometimes,
wondering if I fit into this world.

If I will ever be able to establish myself into a group of friends,
or if I will just float and be my own group.

It is ok to just float.
I like it.
I feel so individual and so free.

It is so nice to have friends,
to be surrounded by people.
To listen to conversations,
take part in conversations,
or be the main subject of a conversation.

It is also nice to just be alone.

To just be surrounded by the universe,

by nature,

by sounds and lights of the world,

by God's love.

To be in the world, but not of it for a while.

It is nice to know that despite my troubles,

my problems,

my imperfections I am still loved by so many.


So many people have come out the last few months to show their love for me.
I never realized I was that important.
That people think about me, and care about how I am doing.

I never really thought that I mattered that much to anyone.
I always believed that I had to fight to be in someone's thoughts.
I now know I don't.
And that is an amazing feeling.

It's been an interesting month.
So much has happened.
I have so much hope for the future.

I never want to lose that hope.

I am happy.

I am full of love.

God is great.

This world is amazing.

I hope I can do my best to help contribute to this amazing world.

.....

Love sucks.


NEVER Again.


EVER

Wow

For the past two years I have had one person that I always turned to.

If ever I was struggling he was always there, able to help.

Even when I had major fears and doubts about certain things,
in the long run he was able to help.

But now...

He's not.

He is out serving the Lord,
being busy,
enjoying himself.

It's good thing.

I'm happy and excited for him.

It's going to be an amazing experience.




But...


I'm not out doing things.

I was left behind.

I feel so alone,

so angry that he could do this to me.

Make me fall in love with him

and

then

just leave.

It hurts.

I've realized that he has been my crutch.

I haven't had to face my fears,

my issues

my dissatifaction with life for the past two years.

He has always been there for me.

If ever I struggled he helped me face those issues.

Now I have to face them on my own.
It's SO hard.
I've been struggling.

It's only been three days.
It'll probably get harder.

This sucks so bad.

But today I realized something.

I'm never satisfied with anything.
When he was here and with me I still wasn't satisfied.
When I'm in class I want to be out of class, doing homework.
When I'm doing homework I want to be watching a movie.
When I'm watching a movie I want to be in class.
When I'm with him I want to be doing things.
When I'm not with him I want to be with him.
I want longer letters,
better grades,
something to do always,
time to relax,
always wanting something different from what I have.

I know it doesn't make a lot of sense. It's something I'm trying my hardest to figure out.
I don't know if I ever will.
But I am going to try.
I am just going to try to be happy with what I'm doing.
Happy with what I have.
Just be happy.

I'm going to try.

I don't have my crutch any more.

I have to try to walk on my own.

Little baby steps.

Of course the Lord is there,
helping,
he always is.

I need to depend on the Lord when I struggle.

With his help I'll take those baby steps,

until one day,

I'll be able to run.